Sexual fantasies -- apparently we all have at least one. I have two that are yet to be fulfilled.
While we almost all have fantasies, we never seem to discuss them. We worry we will be judged by our partner and so we carry guilt and shame about these things around.
Luckily, I am in a unique position and so I get invited to share in these fantasies regularly. Even then they are almost always prefaced with, "I hope you wont think I'm weird but....".
According to much more learned minds than mine, sexual fantasies are not only common (95% of us apparently), but can also be cathartic in building trust and intimacy in your relationships with not only your partner(s) but with yourself.
Being accepted and desired, giving up control and learning to trust, being heard and respected, all of these things have a role to play in our sexual fantasies at some deeper level.
Getting back to the communication and consent necessary to help bring these fantasies out into the open does require stepping out into the space, the space of being vulnerable and exposing parts of yourself that you haven't. It can be pretty scary, especially if you have been in a relationship for a while.
Sexual communication, or lack thereof, is the thing that I see over and over again as the reason why relationships fail. I mean, if you don't feel comfortable or confident enough in your relationship to tell your significant other how you like to be touched does anything else really matter?
So where to start? At the beginning.
Just start at the beginning. Talk about it before, during and after. How? Maybe, like, "I was thinking that maybe tonight we could try something i read about, heard about, saw on a talk show". Baby steps. If you've always been keen to try bondage, don't deck out the bed with ropes at all once.
For some, the communication needs to start at the very beginning. I mean the very beginning. From basic touch beginning. (More on this to follow).
Check in with your partner. Ask and answer honestly. "Is this okay? Is it too hard, too soft, too fast, too slow" I will ask men to tell me if I am doing something or touching them in a way that they don't like, to which I am frequently told, "I like everything, you do anything you want to me". Really? Anything? Not likely, and certainly not without communication and consent first.
Create a safe space to answer honestly.
This is so important and cannot be stressed enough. I use this analogy. People are quite happy telling you how they like their eggs cooked. Easy question, easy answer, no offence taken. Yet, telling your partner that you don't particularly like a tongue shoved in your ear becomes all too hard because you don't want to "offend them".
I have found that it is easier to say something like, " I don't really like that but I love it when you do this". Our bodies are all different. What works for one doesn't work for all. Baby steps.