I rambled rather incoherently a few weeks ago about “fingering” and when the topic of consent was introduced at the retreat I was on, I was given the language that I was looking for.
Upon introduction of the concept, and watching the facilitators demonstrate, I thought “Well that’s too clinical “
Then I was given the opportunity to put it into practise. Powerful stuff is this.
I think the word boundaries is one we are comfortable using in this beautiful dance that we do, however, looking in someone’s eyes and telling them your fears, your desires …. well … this can be overwhelming.
“What will they think?......”
“Will they still like me?......”
“Will they think I’m a weirdo, crazy, nuts?........”
To the above questions, my instinct is to respond, “Well that’s their fucking problem, not mine”
And yet it was mine, for many years, and I cowered, and I shrank, and I “Did what I was told”….
No more, and I know I am speaking to many of the converted here.
This is where the powerful stuff began for me….
I realized that I make too many assumptions, I speak too quickly, I speak too much. there is so much for me learn.
Looking into someone’s eyes when they speak to you, is powerful. Being completely aware of them is love.
Giving someone space to be who they are is love……You being told their deepest fears, desires and boundaries is a fuckin honour
Here’s the technical stuff, both parties speak, without interruption. Fears, desires, boundaries. The other person clarifies to ensure that they understand and have heard correctly. If further clarification is required, then you do so. As many times as is necessary.
Then it’s the other persons turn.
So, give it a go, give a whirl. Take it seriously. I hope this exercise gives you the amazing gift it gave me.